On this Christmas Day I got a present I needed but did not want; Humility. Let me begin by saying that I have been around guns my whole life. I am a Certified Expert Pistol Sharpshooter by Missouri P.O.S.T. and former Law Enforcement Officer. I am one of the most anal people you will ever meet when it comes to firearm safety. I am the guy that will check the condition of a weapon, set it down in my sight and check it again just moments later when it never left my sight; “just in case God put a bullet in there”.
We were at my parents house opening presents for Christmas. I had given my father a new IWB (Inside the Waistband) Kydex Holster as a gift. He had gotten his Smith & Wesson M&P 9c out and put it in the holster. The weapon was cleared by him and myself. He complained that the holster fit was too tight and that there was no way he was going to be able to draw the pistol without pulling the holster from his pants. During this exchange my close friend held the gun. He had an accidental discharge one time where he actually shot through his own hand. I made a callous joke; “don’t shoot yourself again dude“. He laughed and flipped me the bird. A bit later, I wanted to feel the holster issue for myself, so I asked my father if I could get his M&P and take a look. He told me that it was in his night stand “unloaded” since my son was at the house. My mother immediately said, “Be careful!” to which I shot back a smart ass reply; “I think I know what I am doing mom.”
As I went to I retrieved the firearm from the drawer and noted the magazine was laying next to it. I left the magazine in the drawer and proceeded to place the 9c in the kydex and in my waistband. I then went out to the living room and drew the gun in a safe direction 4 times (thinking to myself that I better watch my trigger finger since I had not personally checked the condition). Out of the four draws, two times I drew the holster and all from my belt and decided that he was right, it needed to be replaced . I then carried the gun and holster back into the bedroom. I simulated aiming the gun in a safe direction a few times to see if I liked the feel of the 9c. I noted that I did not like the fact that my fingers could not all fit on the grip and thought to myself; “I should get him a TTI Base Pad extension”. In doing so, I reached in the drawer and slapped the mag in to see if the standard mag enabled any more fingers on the grip. After a few more simulated aiming, I thought, “time to put it away”. I then made the mistake.
I noted the trigger was in the “cocked” position and immediately pointed the gun in a safe direction to “de-cock” the striker. BOOM! My ears rang out and I thought to myself “What the Fuck! Did that just happen?” I looked down at the floor and saw a casing, i then looked at the wall and saw the hole about 6 inches above the floor. My next thought was clear the weapon. As I did so, I thought to myself “why has nobody yelled to see if I am ok?” At that moment I yelled, “I’m ok!” and I began to tremble. A feeling of horror and shame set in as my family came into the room. I explained through my shame what happened. They were thankful that I was alright but then asked me; “why had I not answered them when they yelled for me?” My answer was that I did not hear them. My ears had rang just enough to not hear them yelling from just down the hall. After the incident, I have replayed the scenario over and over asking myself “how did that round get in the chamber?” My father assures me that he checked it and it was clear. I do not remember racking a round nor do I recall any reason why I would have. The fact is, the whole thing is a strange blur, like it would be after any incident that causes an adrenaline dump. I will not point fingers, as it is obvious that nobody is to blame except for myself.
The good news is that my training and secondary safety measure of pointing the weapon in a safe direction before clearing it ensured that myself and others were not harmed. It was just a loud bang and a small hole in the drywall which exited the rear wall of the home and harmlessly into a large lake. I must say that it is hours later as I right this and I am still full of shame and dread. Even still shaking a bit. I want to also be clear that I was completely sober when this occurred.
This is the SECOND Negligent discharge of my life. Notice I said negligent and not “accidental” I pulled the fucking trigger. The first time was in the Police academy during a high stress shotgun drill that was designed to keep you shooting and reloading under pressure while trying to keep track of round count. During the flurry, I flipped my 12 gauge Remington 870 over and de-cocked a loaded chamber, subsequently blowing a large hole in the ground in front of me. My Range Instructor, an old surely Marine came and got in my face. He smile and said one thing: “Learn Anything?”
So lets recap, I made a smart ass comment to a buddy, then another cocky remark to my mother followed immediately by me adding new ventilation to her bedroom. Karma is a Bitch. I made a critical mistake and my stupid prize is a new found Humility that I hope and pray will last me till my dying day.
Many of you will have remarks. I welcome them. I am telling this story for two reasons. First, I look for any silver lining to a bad situation. I hope that someone reading this may learn from my mistake and prevent a potential tragedy, therefore making my f*ckup worth while. Secondly, I believe that the first step to healing is helping others by telling your own story. Lastly, I believe in getting back on the horse, so I will be at the range tomorrow, just a little less cocky.